35 IS A CITAG

THIS IS NOT PRETTY NOR FOR THE FAINT OF HEART… YOU’VE BEEN FOREWARNED….

IS IT “FAINT” OF HEART OR “FATE” OF HEART… ITS GOTTA BE FAINT OF HEART, BUT THAT STILL DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT. . . ANYWAY, HAVE A BUCKET NEARBY IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE AN “INVOLUNTARY PROTEIN SPILL” … (CARLIN REFERRED TO THIS EUPHAMISM FOR VOMITTING…)

IF YOU HAVE TEXTED ANYTHING WITH PREDICTIVE TEXT IN THE LAST 10 YEARS (THE NON-BLACKBERRY FOLK UNDERSTAND THIS) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY CITAG… BASICALLY IT’S A BIOTCH.

FIRST OFF YOU YOUNGER FOLK SHOULD UNDERSTAND… 35 INCLUDES WORDS LIKE “METAMUCIL”, “TUCKS”, “LIDOCAINE”, AND “DROP YOUR PANTS”.

THERE’S A REASON PEOPLE DIED IN ANCIENT TIMES AT 34. BECAUSE AT 35 IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL. ONE THING YOU WILL FIND OUT IS WHEN YOU GET TO THE DOC WHO TELLS YOU TO DROP YOUR SHORTS, THEY HAVE HYDRAULIC EXAMINING TABLES, AND ONLY ONE END IS HYDRAULIC.  YOU KNEEL DOWN AND BEND OVER, JEANS AND ALL AT THE CREASE IN YOUR KNEES, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU BECOME LIGHTHEADED FROM BEING UPSIDE DOWN. THEN YOU FIND OUT UNBEKNOWNST TO YOURSELF PREVIOUS, THAT THERE’S A SIDESHOW GOING ON BEHIND YOU. NOT JUST THE DOC BUT ALSO HELPERS ARE THERE SO THAT THE MOST HUMILIATING POSITION YOU COULD FIND YOURSELF IN ARE BEING OBSERVED BY 4 EYES, NOT JUST 2. (I’M JUST HAPPY THAT DAUPHIN COUNTY PRISON DIDN’T HAVE ONE OF THESE TABLES ON Q-BLOCK…) AND “WITH A NAME LIKE SMUCKERS”, THE ONE WITH THAT EXTRA SET OF EYES PEERING THROUGH YOU LATER ASKS WHO IN THE FAMILY YOU ARE RELATED TO… I SIMPLY WANNA ANSWER “COULDN’T YA TELL FROM THE BRAND ON MY ARSE? DID THE PIMPLES LINE UP? COULD YA CONNECT THE DOTS?”

AFTER WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH WITH THAT SAME DOC USING HIS FINGER TO NOT JUST VERIFY I AM A MAN (HAVE A PROSTATE… CHECK!) BUT USES THE SAME FINGER TO CHECK MY TONSILS, FROM THE REAR. AND WHAT IS IT WITH EVERY DOC I HAVE SEEN FOR MY UNBELIEVABLE CONSTIPATION PROBLEMS, THAT THEY ALL HAVE FINGERS THE THICKNESS OF TELEPHONE POLES? I THINK IF ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL GOT FAT, HE’D BE AN AUTOMATICALLY QUALIFIED ASSDOC. (IN 16 CANDLES YOU SEE HOW LONG HIS FINGERS ARE ON THE BUS RIDE HOME FROM SCHOOL WITH MOLLY RINGWALD)

FOR SOME TIME I EVEN WORE DIAPERS TO MAKE SURE THE SUPPOSITORIES DIDN’T LEAK THROUGH THE BOXERS AND MAKE ITS WAY ONTO THE COUCH CUSHIONS OR WORK CHAIR… BUT I CAN VERIFY THEY ARE NO FUN TO WEAR IN ADULTHOOD. ALTHOUGH I NEVER USED THEM FOR THE RIGHT PURPOSE IT MAY BE LIBERATING TO USE A DIAPER ON A LONG DRIVE SOMEWHERE, LIKE CROSS COUNTRY DRIVING. AND IMAGINE THE TIME SAVED!

OH, AND MAKE SURE YOU BUY SOME NEW PACKS OF UNDERWEAR… THE ONES YOU HAVE NOW ARE ALREADY RUINED AT 35… YOU MAY AS WELL LOOK FOR THE CHEAPOS, ‘CAUSE THEY'RE ABOUT TO JUST GET RUINED… THE INEVITABILITY IS STAGGERING... MAYBE WASH THOSE SEPARATELY AT THE LAUNDROMAT WITH SOME DEGREASER AND LAVA SOAP. DON’T BOTHER TO RUIN YOUR OWN WASH MACHINE…

I WISH THINGS IN LIFE WERE DIFFERENT. IN THIS CASE I WISH I LIVED IN ANCIENT TIMES, SO I WOULDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS… IF 34 WAS EASY STREET, 35 IS BAGHDAD CIRCA 2005. NOW I KNOW WHY OLD MEN HAVE PAINED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES ALL THE TIME… IT’S NOT A LOOK. THE MEDICATION JUST RAN OUT.

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