35 IS A CITAG

THIS IS NOT PRETTY NOR FOR THE FAINT OF HEART… YOU’VE BEEN FOREWARNED….

IS IT “FAINT” OF HEART OR “FATE” OF HEART… ITS GOTTA BE FAINT OF HEART, BUT THAT STILL DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT. . . ANYWAY, HAVE A BUCKET NEARBY IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE AN “INVOLUNTARY PROTEIN SPILL” … (CARLIN REFERRED TO THIS EUPHAMISM FOR VOMITTING…)

IF YOU HAVE TEXTED ANYTHING WITH PREDICTIVE TEXT IN THE LAST 10 YEARS (THE NON-BLACKBERRY FOLK UNDERSTAND THIS) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY CITAG… BASICALLY IT’S A BIOTCH.

FIRST OFF YOU YOUNGER FOLK SHOULD UNDERSTAND… 35 INCLUDES WORDS LIKE “METAMUCIL”, “TUCKS”, “LIDOCAINE”, AND “DROP YOUR PANTS”.

THERE’S A REASON PEOPLE DIED IN ANCIENT TIMES AT 34. BECAUSE AT 35 IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL. ONE THING YOU WILL FIND OUT IS WHEN YOU GET TO THE DOC WHO TELLS YOU TO DROP YOUR SHORTS, THEY HAVE HYDRAULIC EXAMINING TABLES, AND ONLY ONE END IS HYDRAULIC.  YOU KNEEL DOWN AND BEND OVER, JEANS AND ALL AT THE CREASE IN YOUR KNEES, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU BECOME LIGHTHEADED FROM BEING UPSIDE DOWN. THEN YOU FIND OUT UNBEKNOWNST TO YOURSELF PREVIOUS, THAT THERE’S A SIDESHOW GOING ON BEHIND YOU. NOT JUST THE DOC BUT ALSO HELPERS ARE THERE SO THAT THE MOST HUMILIATING POSITION YOU COULD FIND YOURSELF IN ARE BEING OBSERVED BY 4 EYES, NOT JUST 2. (I’M JUST HAPPY THAT DAUPHIN COUNTY PRISON DIDN’T HAVE ONE OF THESE TABLES ON Q-BLOCK…) AND “WITH A NAME LIKE SMUCKERS”, THE ONE WITH THAT EXTRA SET OF EYES PEERING THROUGH YOU LATER ASKS WHO IN THE FAMILY YOU ARE RELATED TO… I SIMPLY WANNA ANSWER “COULDN’T YA TELL FROM THE BRAND ON MY ARSE? DID THE PIMPLES LINE UP? COULD YA CONNECT THE DOTS?”

AFTER WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH WITH THAT SAME DOC USING HIS FINGER TO NOT JUST VERIFY I AM A MAN (HAVE A PROSTATE… CHECK!) BUT USES THE SAME FINGER TO CHECK MY TONSILS, FROM THE REAR. AND WHAT IS IT WITH EVERY DOC I HAVE SEEN FOR MY UNBELIEVABLE CONSTIPATION PROBLEMS, THAT THEY ALL HAVE FINGERS THE THICKNESS OF TELEPHONE POLES? I THINK IF ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL GOT FAT, HE’D BE AN AUTOMATICALLY QUALIFIED ASSDOC. (IN 16 CANDLES YOU SEE HOW LONG HIS FINGERS ARE ON THE BUS RIDE HOME FROM SCHOOL WITH MOLLY RINGWALD)

FOR SOME TIME I EVEN WORE DIAPERS TO MAKE SURE THE SUPPOSITORIES DIDN’T LEAK THROUGH THE BOXERS AND MAKE ITS WAY ONTO THE COUCH CUSHIONS OR WORK CHAIR… BUT I CAN VERIFY THEY ARE NO FUN TO WEAR IN ADULTHOOD. ALTHOUGH I NEVER USED THEM FOR THE RIGHT PURPOSE IT MAY BE LIBERATING TO USE A DIAPER ON A LONG DRIVE SOMEWHERE, LIKE CROSS COUNTRY DRIVING. AND IMAGINE THE TIME SAVED!

OH, AND MAKE SURE YOU BUY SOME NEW PACKS OF UNDERWEAR… THE ONES YOU HAVE NOW ARE ALREADY RUINED AT 35… YOU MAY AS WELL LOOK FOR THE CHEAPOS, ‘CAUSE THEY'RE ABOUT TO JUST GET RUINED… THE INEVITABILITY IS STAGGERING... MAYBE WASH THOSE SEPARATELY AT THE LAUNDROMAT WITH SOME DEGREASER AND LAVA SOAP. DON’T BOTHER TO RUIN YOUR OWN WASH MACHINE…

I WISH THINGS IN LIFE WERE DIFFERENT. IN THIS CASE I WISH I LIVED IN ANCIENT TIMES, SO I WOULDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS… IF 34 WAS EASY STREET, 35 IS BAGHDAD CIRCA 2005. NOW I KNOW WHY OLD MEN HAVE PAINED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES ALL THE TIME… IT’S NOT A LOOK. THE MEDICATION JUST RAN OUT.

III

THANKS MRS. WILLIAMS...

It seemed like a normal week given I had an extra day off post-holiday and lo and behold I received a phone call. I had no answer for the guy, my supervisor was out for 2 weeks, and all I got to find my answer was to talk to Brian.

Brian Williams, no not the famous one, but rather the infamous one was nowhere to be found. This man is a hero in my department, and it’s amazing the amount of knowledge, wisdom, and networking this man has. He seems to have a line of people going through the revolving door that is his office throughout the day.  Every day.  And NEVER have I seen him get upset when I step in that door.

See, when I started working for my department I realized early in the game that there was no training. None. They said there was training to be had but in fact there wasn’t and I dunno about you but I am worthless without some kind of direction. I studied science in college and the only thing I can take away from college is my overall knowledge of basic community college science and math skills and a killer bank shot. I actually learned more about social interaction in the billiard room than any classroom could teach me, yet I’m still the quiet, socially awkward one. Like Sheldon Cooper, but without the brains.

When I expressed my disgust with the prospect to no training, Mr. Williams stepped up. I remember it to this day, he looked into my eyes and said “I don’t care what kind of day you’re having, I don’t care the circumstance. If you need help with anything, my door is always open.”

Basically he was saying: Feel free to ask anything from the dumbest questions to the smartest ones, because when you don’t know the answer, no question is stupid. And as I wiped my nonexistent tear from my eye from the emotion of not knowing my job all that well (which I still don’t 8 years later) I knew that no matter what happened to me on the job, he’d be there to assist my idiotic queries.

This gave me an insight to the type of person Brian was. And if you know anything deep about a person, their upbringing is the probable cause behind their personality. If they seem rough and grumbly, maybe they had parents whom didn’t care all that much. Maybe it was so bad their sibling committed suicide and they have trouble coping with it making you the butt of their existence… (High school was rough for me but again, John A. among others, its ok. If it helped your psyche then cool, mine was damaged anyway). Or maybe they have a strain of depression in their family and mostly had great parents post-divorce but in adulthood it snapped this one into the quiet frustrated guy you see writing this now.

And it was that helplessness I had for a few seconds when I had that phone call during the post-holiday week at work. Brian wasn’t in to help me. I told the gentleman on the phone to call back later in the week due to Brian’s absence. Then I checked my email.

Subject: flowers…

Brian hadn’t made it to work due to his mother’s passing. Speaking of helplessness… I still can’t imagine.

The other day Brian forgot about something and its rare but also it crossed my mind to forgive him for the botched remembrance.

Yet the more I think about it Brian is so attentive and understanding because that’s the way he was brought up. By this mother whom I never met yet couldn’t do my job without her instillation in him of patience, kindness, and understanding…  and I am no model employee. I complain at every instance, I moan at every thought when it doesn’t go my way, I cry when I can’t get an understanding of what I need to do my job, and I can’t understand why the department hasn’t met the 19^th century of technology. But that’s government grunt work for ya. And when you’re in the business of making money, AKA revenue, spending it on small conveniences for later down the road is not an option.

Even though I can’t fathom it just yet for myself, losing a parent… it’s the only inevitability to living…

Thanks Mrs. Williams. You done good.

III

PREGNANT...? I SUPP, ERR, ADIPOSE?

i woke up this morning at 10:30am after falling out at 3am...

so i decided to wake up and play with my cat, watch tv, and update my computer for a few hours waiting for 12:30 to come around. i decided to do the jumbo familia dinner this month cause i hadn't been in a while and had a few coupon deals for my dad that he said he used.

who showed up? well, it was me, rere, lina, sean and dani, ella, mikey and jess, sarah and patty mac daddy, aydan mac sonny, and aunt mare... when i saw lina she asked me where gibby was and i told her he wasn't here, that he was in NJ readying himself for his 60th birthday on the 10th... sad, cause i miss him, but cool cause she asked about him.... (side note: jean anne kuzma benson is the 10th also)

it was really nice and quaint meeting of family. we sat in the back dining area where it seems they don't use that often but considering the parking they had today (NIL) it was necessary.

huh? didja notice that? the dinner was attended by the mac and murph contingency with a single flake of TVB involved. yet those who didn't attend were not missed, but mainly talked about (haha just kiddin, ALL were missed.)

see that you still didn't notice it... MIKEY IS IN TOWN!!! BYAAAAAAH!! (jess too!) he looks great and well, he'll always be mikey. we discussed a few good men in uniforms who left the restaurant and he informed me how anal the military was about your dress. how your zipper had to be lined up with your pocket and such... insanity indeed but that's why they are in the military and i am not. (i figured out i have had some of the same clothes since the early 90s. my one pair of jeans i bought specifically for Giant 'cause they were dark blue.)

for the most part the poop was shot, we all had plenty of food and most of the world was right in the back room of the jumbo.

yet the reason for this blah entry is all about my cousin lina. she's the coolest cat in the nutsy bunch, and at 12 years old she runs her own life, thank you. she's got down's syndrome, and is amazingly independent. if she wants ice cream she can get it herself dangit. well, she was out for plate 2 of dinner food when the following situation popped up...

at the buffet there was a woman who, depending on who you are, could look pregnant. (as an avid listener of comedy i may add that brian regan pointed out that you should never ever ever ever ever ever never ask a woman the following question: when's that baby due?) since lina didn't hear that particular comedy cd, she hadn't known that you don't ask, assumptions or not, no matter what... DON'T ASK! so she went ahead and did. the woman could see it was lina asking her, so she was cool and just said "i'm not pregnant honey, i'm just big."

well my appetite went from running high to unbelievably zero due to the sad hilarity i just witnessed. she didn't know any better and obviously didn't mean any harm, and the woman took it so dearly that it really didn't matter.

yet then there was the problem of me. i couldn't keep a straight face. i'm 35 going on a lesser-aged  maturity level than lina at this point... i had to leave the situation. i had a few wings on my plate and decided that was enough for the buffet run that time. i sat down and told the story and it was sad again, but in front of the family they understood my side of things. i couldn't eat due to laughter and it was just a funny situation.

we finished up and headed out of another successful lunch n' dinner at the jumbo, and all were full and fighting back their sphincters to hold in the food as usual, all knowing in 15 minutes we'd all be starving again, (whats with chinese food that it does that?) but nonetheless i recommend when the schedule is out, head to the jumbo for the family dinner. its a great time and you never know what will happen.