sitting here watching the DVR... sheng wang was on comedy central and his rendition of waving at an automated paper towel machine reminded me of a few things... one... the new air dryers at aroogas they have now are like jet engines blowing air onto your hands at mach 3, saying goodbye to any water and scabs you may have from, say, playing with your pussy... mine bites.
another thing he talked about was number two-ing in a toilet with no water in it... his punchline was "sorry, i was dropping off the kids at the skatepark."
as i do with most comics i think about why that is funny in my own life... what i thought about and never wrote/told you about was the day of a poker tournament i went to with my friend mike on the west shore. it was held at a seriously smokey establishment, (doubled up on allergy meds) so fake-gambling to wipe away your play chip dreams is welcomed in this dreary, blue hued environment. i haven't gone back there since... for two reasons. one the smoke... and two...
it was the day of the pivotal world cup match with the vuvuzelas blaring and the USA were playing Ghana to move on to the next round. now the US population in full could care less about futbol unless their team is in it, check your local professional soccer club fans' attendance and you'll probably find its the same three guys every game. but this is the world cup. landon donovan looked to be the hero of the team and move them forward, but in fact Ghana pulled out the win 2-1.
we were dealt a few hands and i dunno if it was the smoke or the anticipation of the aforementioned game, but in just about a half hour i was out. so i had to wait for my friend mike to finish his game so we could leave.
now the subject becomes apparent...
my stomach is not the strongest in the world. nexium rules my diet and daily life, and i have had a few endoscopies to check myself out from time to time. (THANKS insurance company policies for going to school for 20 years to become a gastrointestinal surgeon so you could know better than my DOCTOR to prescribe medication for me.)
i sat in a taller seat at the back bar and while keeping my eye on poker, i watched the futbol game. then it happened. the rumbler. sounding like the cross between a drumroll and the horn starting the kentucky derby, my abdomen decided NOW was the time to check out the establishment's rest areas.
i like the idea of a rest room. i take more rests than i am active. but there was no resting to be had in the restroom this afternoon. my belly swished and gurgled with each step walking towards the restroom and when i walked in i wished i had been in a highway gas station restroom. i mean this place was designed nicely with woodwork and such, but i thought the moss on the ground could use a mow.
in a new/old restroom with your ass holding tight for dear life (think jeff daniels in 'dumb and dumber', you know the scene...) you have to scan the room and make sure you're not only in a men's room (urinal, check!) but also who may be occupying the room with you. luckily i was alone, sort of. the mossy floor were like friends to me knowing i was in a SITUATION they directed me via the already trampled path to the single stall.
i can't tell you what i ate the night before but the last time this bathroom was inspected, the media knew monica's name before bill clinton did. i crack the door and realize the only bathroom in this time of utter need had been backed up and toilet papered in to the point that hey, why not pile on right? at this point it all fits in one shovel scoop right?
not to get gory on the matter, but if the bowl of the toilet was say, a mcdonald's sundae, i added the caramel and nuts to the top of the mountain of chocolate ice cream with the TP as a cherry on top.
i thanked the moss for its help, washed my hands (with the BAR of soap, as if that did anything at all) and walked out nonchalantly like nothing happened... i knew the second mike's last chip went in to the pot i was hoping for him to lose... then to leave faster i'd carry him out in his chair if i had to as if he was the groom at a jewish wedding... it was that serious.
the problem with that is this... mike's not a bad poker player.
so his game went on and on and on and on and on and on and finally i noticed one of the poker players went in to use the bathroom. i can keep a poker face when i am playing the game, but out of it i am like a four year old who just heard someone fart.. .i can't help myself. inside i am 12 anyway, so to hold a straight face when this guy came out of there was possibly the hardest, most hilarious thing i had to do in my life.
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" he screamed... "THE TOILET IS BACKED UP AND SOMEONE TOOK A DEUCE ON TOP OF THE BACKUP AND IT'S SO BAD I HAD TO THROW UP IN THE SINK!"
oh crap. literally... now everyone knows there's a problem with the bathroom that needed inspected since the 1990s... mike had better start losing fast...
did you ever laugh so hard that you couldn't stop yet not move your face and act normal? ITS IMPOSSIBLE. i dare you to try it while someone is tickling you to laugh your ass off yet not move a muscle. no smiling... NO SMILING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
out loud i said loud enough for others to hear me... "damn, who would do that??? that's disgusting man... mike, wrap it up, we oughtta go if there's people who would do that here..." that either said to everyone else 'whoever smelt it dealt it' or 'that guy couldn't have done it.' i was hoping for the latter.
back to futbol, punching myself in the face so as not to smile in the least, yet working now on holding on to my coccyx from meeting my now fallen ass on the ground from silently laughing, the hope continued. a few crappy kicks later, the match came to a close and disappointed as i was, i was still in that darned blue hued room...
mike had made it to the final 3, one of his best finishes ever, and he finally said "all-in" with a king-ten of diamonds... luckily he missed his flush so i gathered my ass and coccyx and we were out of there... it wasn't 'till i was on trindle road, far away from the ears of the other patrons of the bar, till i told mike of my poor manners... "that was YOU???"
but i haven't openly laughed my ass off so hard since...
III
Monday, February 20, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
...AND I LIKE TO DO DRAWRINGS...
when i was a kid we had a toy called "simon". it was a small round plastic game with lights and buttons you pressed in a memory type of game. the computer inside the unit would figure out a pattern and one by one it would build a large undulating consecutive pattern that you would have to repeat as simon gave you another square to hit... its ridiculous to figure out how to explain it here, but on my ipod it is available as a free game.
well
i downloaded it and found out on the ipod that yes, its the same game and is just as hard... and yet they found a way to make it harder, due to the addition of 2 new colors... now six buttons instead of four.
yes its addicting and to master it you have to have every brain cell synced to the game. so if you have a few missing over the course of your life, you may find this to be as difficult as the original... yet much more portable to play.
III
well
i downloaded it and found out on the ipod that yes, its the same game and is just as hard... and yet they found a way to make it harder, due to the addition of 2 new colors... now six buttons instead of four.
yes its addicting and to master it you have to have every brain cell synced to the game. so if you have a few missing over the course of your life, you may find this to be as difficult as the original... yet much more portable to play.
III
Sunday, February 12, 2012
i need smaller feet...
or a bigger mouth...
i made a woman cry today.
cry.
hard.
i didn't mean it the way she took it. i was saving a seat for someone who could have used it more than i could, and this woman wanted to sit with me as well. but there was only four chairs. the first two were taken as she was sitting there, so i was to sit next to her leaving one chair and i thought differently... the last two were meant for two who needed the seating arrangement more than i did. a mother and her child.
the woman kept saying to me "come sit here" and i waited in the corner for things to settle and i told her to hang on as the people were figuring out where to sit. she was as cheerful as one could want her to be. she's sweet as sugar on a sour day, and i eventually told her to knock it off and go get some food at the buffet. and her cheer turned to scorn as she cried and told me "all i ever try to do is be nice to you" and she ran out, telling me to help her companion get a ride home.
so i ran after her. i wanted to explain myself to her, telling her i loved her and there was a reason i didn't want to sit there, but she got in her car and sped off.
i shot her an email of apology due to her not being home after the buffet, but now all i want to do is crawl into a six foot hole so that she is no longer bothered with me anymore.
i need smaller feet.
III
i made a woman cry today.
cry.
hard.
i didn't mean it the way she took it. i was saving a seat for someone who could have used it more than i could, and this woman wanted to sit with me as well. but there was only four chairs. the first two were taken as she was sitting there, so i was to sit next to her leaving one chair and i thought differently... the last two were meant for two who needed the seating arrangement more than i did. a mother and her child.
the woman kept saying to me "come sit here" and i waited in the corner for things to settle and i told her to hang on as the people were figuring out where to sit. she was as cheerful as one could want her to be. she's sweet as sugar on a sour day, and i eventually told her to knock it off and go get some food at the buffet. and her cheer turned to scorn as she cried and told me "all i ever try to do is be nice to you" and she ran out, telling me to help her companion get a ride home.
so i ran after her. i wanted to explain myself to her, telling her i loved her and there was a reason i didn't want to sit there, but she got in her car and sped off.
i shot her an email of apology due to her not being home after the buffet, but now all i want to do is crawl into a six foot hole so that she is no longer bothered with me anymore.
i need smaller feet.
III
REINCARNATION... A DEATH WISH
the only other thing on this earth that thinks about dying as much as i do would probably be a funeral home director or coroner. yes its their job, but its also something that few people actually look forward to. the most disappointed i have ever been in my life is at the doctor's office when he said it WASN'T cancer. i don't have a gun nor do i have the balls to fall to my fate from the harvey taylor bridge... i write DNR on all of my forms whenever i go under at the hospital just in case they give me an extra CC of the michael jackson miracle drug to fall asleep with. yet, here i am... so for the most part i have to ride this thing called life out as sinfully slow as it seems to be taking.
i have it figured out that if i were to commit suicide i'd probably do it with a shotgun in the bathroom. basically if you wanna swallow lead you wanna go out in style. and why not give your blood a little trip to the tile wall so when it falls to the ground smeared over the tile it just gives a beautiful representation of what you were (even jackson pollack couldn't recreate what would be on the walls...)... and if you leave the bathtub stopper out of the drain the mess isn't so bad for that poor bastard who has to clean up after you. a lotta bleach and a spray nozzle makes for an easy cleanup after a gruesome scene.
"dammit drew you always miss the white matter!"
yet what's next? i was trying to sleep over the weekend and i thought about where my karma would end up... what happens to your karma when its over?
i think that if we are the ultimate on this earth then whatever you did to damage it is what you become after its all over. so if you shit on the earth without care or abandon, you become whatever you damaged to show you how you impacted it...
tree loggers become saplings next in line
crabbers become crab
slaughterhouses become dung beetles... not even the cows, but the things that dispose of its waste.
if you ever ask people what they'd like to come back as later after this trip is done they'll say some apex predator like a great white shark or a lion or a hawk or eagle. nobody says a blade of grass. nobody says moss that grow on the tree trunks... or a dead tree grub or pond scum... a termite. but if you think of it for a few seconds, as many things on this earth that dies and is born on a daily basis, every bacteria your lysol kills has to come back as something else... and not that 1% of bacteria that the lysol doesn't kill either...
so if this is your destiny and in fact you won't go to some place in the clouds with harps and gold and 72 virgins (whom need a ton of experience to be any good, mind you... i know from a very few experiences that i am no good at it either) don't you think you'd think twice when treating the earth so badly?
from my own thought and what i have seen on the tele, i'd say that ed begley, jr. may just be the only person with a well-known name whom has nothing to worry about.
III
ps... what will i probably come back as? what i am now, but the literal form: an asshole douche.
but to be literal, that "shark or eagle" type of thought... i'd like to come back as a cannabis plant. its the only thing in this world that makes me stop thinking about dying if even for a few hours and allows me to enjoy life and all its wonders. educate yourself, legalize, and inhale.
"Everything in life is a little bit more manageable with a little "f*ck it" in your system..." -- paraphrased concept of katt williams.
i have it figured out that if i were to commit suicide i'd probably do it with a shotgun in the bathroom. basically if you wanna swallow lead you wanna go out in style. and why not give your blood a little trip to the tile wall so when it falls to the ground smeared over the tile it just gives a beautiful representation of what you were (even jackson pollack couldn't recreate what would be on the walls...)... and if you leave the bathtub stopper out of the drain the mess isn't so bad for that poor bastard who has to clean up after you. a lotta bleach and a spray nozzle makes for an easy cleanup after a gruesome scene.
"dammit drew you always miss the white matter!"
yet what's next? i was trying to sleep over the weekend and i thought about where my karma would end up... what happens to your karma when its over?
i think that if we are the ultimate on this earth then whatever you did to damage it is what you become after its all over. so if you shit on the earth without care or abandon, you become whatever you damaged to show you how you impacted it...
tree loggers become saplings next in line
crabbers become crab
slaughterhouses become dung beetles... not even the cows, but the things that dispose of its waste.
if you ever ask people what they'd like to come back as later after this trip is done they'll say some apex predator like a great white shark or a lion or a hawk or eagle. nobody says a blade of grass. nobody says moss that grow on the tree trunks... or a dead tree grub or pond scum... a termite. but if you think of it for a few seconds, as many things on this earth that dies and is born on a daily basis, every bacteria your lysol kills has to come back as something else... and not that 1% of bacteria that the lysol doesn't kill either...
so if this is your destiny and in fact you won't go to some place in the clouds with harps and gold and 72 virgins (whom need a ton of experience to be any good, mind you... i know from a very few experiences that i am no good at it either) don't you think you'd think twice when treating the earth so badly?
from my own thought and what i have seen on the tele, i'd say that ed begley, jr. may just be the only person with a well-known name whom has nothing to worry about.
III
ps... what will i probably come back as? what i am now, but the literal form: an asshole douche.
but to be literal, that "shark or eagle" type of thought... i'd like to come back as a cannabis plant. its the only thing in this world that makes me stop thinking about dying if even for a few hours and allows me to enjoy life and all its wonders. educate yourself, legalize, and inhale.
"Everything in life is a little bit more manageable with a little "f*ck it" in your system..." -- paraphrased concept of katt williams.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
YOU KNOW WHAT 7:22 MEANS?
SO I'M PUTTING ICE IN MY GLASS JUST NOW AND GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS?
NO REALLY I BET THE TITLE MEANS NOTHING TO YOU AND ALL YOU WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT TIME I WAS PUTTING ICE INTO MY GLASS... LEMME TELL YA... ITS A WINNING HAND.
NOW ITS 7:27P AND THE MOMENT HAS PASSED BUT I HAVE TO REWIND MY DAY A BIT FOR YA ALLLLL THE WAY BACK TO 12:00:01AM TODAY, 2/7/12. AND YET JUST NOW IT HIT ME THAT 7:27 IS AN EVEN BETTER HAND, BUT I KEEP MY POKER FACE SO YOU CAN'T READ MY, CAN'T READ MY...
I AM ASLEEP JUST FINE LAST NIGHT WITH THE RIGHT COMBO OF MUSCLE RELAXERS, LUNESTA, AND BENADRYL... MY ALARM GOES OFF AT MIDNIGHT. IT BEEPS ONCE BUT BOTHERS ME ENOUGH TO AT LEAST GET UP AND DRAIN MY BLADDER. I QUICKLY FELL BACK ASLEEP.
WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING FROM A MEOW ABOUT 2 MINUTES BEFORE THE 5:55 ALARM GOES OFF (HOW DOES HE KNOW?) I CHECKED MY IPOD. IT WAS A REMINDER TO CHECK MY CALENDAR AND IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED TODAY WAS FEBRUARY 7TH, THE 5TH ANNIVERSARY OF MY UNCLE JOE MURPHY'S DEATH. A ROUGH ONE TO THINK ABOUT, AS WE ALL LOVED JOE. AND HE WAS TAKEN FROM US A LITTLE TOO SOON. DIABETES HAS CLAIMED HIM AND PATRICE O'NEAL LATE LAST YEAR, SO MY THOUGHTS OF LOW BLOOD SUGAR PISSES ME OFF.
I SHOT AN EMAIL OF REMBRANCE TO RERE, KIWI, AND SEAN AND THEY RESPONDED WITH GREAT THANKS AND SWEETNESS. I RECALLED THAT 2-7 ISN'T THE FUNNEST HAND IN POKER, IN FACT ITS THE WORST, BUT SOMETIMES EVEN THE 2-7 IS GOOD ENOUGH TO BEAT ACES...
WHEN I RETURNED HOME FROM WORK, I TURNED ON THE TV. FLIPPIN THRU THE GUIDE, I SAW E:60 WAS ON ESPN. LIKING RACHEL NICHOLS, I HIT THE RECORD BUTTON NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS ON AT ALL, AND IN FACT IT WAS A BEST OF EPISODE SO I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT... I WENT OUT TO GRAB SOME PEPSI TO FULFILL A RITE AID COUPON DEAL AND ENDED UP GETTING THEM FOR FREE. I GOT HOME AND HIT PLAY... I GET SOME ICE IN MY GLASS, IT'S 7:22.
I HIT PLAY.
THEY ARE SHOWING HIGHLIGHTS OF DAN MARINO AND MONTANA, FLASHES OF 3 FINGERS WITH SUPER BOWL RINGS ON THE FINGERS. KYLE BRADY, TONY DORSETT, RICKY WATTERS... GREGG MACE IS ANNOUNCING... JON RITCHIE, JIM KELLY, KERRY COLLINS, BIG BEN... TICKETS TO HERSHEY FLASH ON THE SCREEN...
THATS RIGHT
ITS THE PROFILE OF THE BIG 33 FROM E:60... WHY IS THIS SIGNIFICANT ON A DAY LIKE TODAY WHEN ALL WE REMEMBER IS LOSING A DAD, UNCLE, BROTHER, AND FRIEND? ESPN MUST HAVE KNOWN OUR FAMILY WAS IN A FUNK.
JOE AND RERE'S DAUGHTER, MAGDALENA, WAS PART OF THEIR BUDDY PROGRAM WHEN THIS ORIGINALLY AIRED AND THEY NOT JUST SHOWED HER ON THE BACKGROUND, THEY SHOWED HER FACE AND FOCUSED ON HER SITTING ACROSS FROM THE OHIO QB... MILK MUSTACHE AND PIG TAILS AND THAT BEAUTIFUL SMILE THAT IS ALL HER OWN. "LINA" AS WE CALL HER, WAS IN HER GLORY IF EVEN FOR A SPLIT SECOND, BUT IT WAS AS IF ESPN WANTED ME TO REMEMBER JOE WITH HAPPY THOUGHTS RATHER THAN MISSING HIM.
HERE, TAKE A GANDER... SHE'S AT 3:32: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTw-ELqlQc8
WHY IS 7:22 AND 7:27 SIGNIFICANT?
BECAUSE WHEN GETTING THAT ON THE FLOP OF A TEXAS HOLD'EM HAND OF POKER TURNS A ROUGH HAND OF 2-7 INTO AN AWESOME HAND OF A FULL HOUSE, BEATING A PAIR OF BULLETS (ACES) ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
I LOVE YA JOE AND WILL MISS YOU UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, HOPEFULLY AT THE TAIL END OF MY LIFETIME. AND AT THAT TIME I HOPE I AM HOLDING A BAD HAND, 'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FLOP WILL BRING.
III
PS... QUICK EDIT AT 9:45PM... AS IF THINGS COULDN'T BE A REMINDER BEYOND MY IPOD ALARM, JEOPARDY TODAY (I LET THE DVR BUILD SO I DONT HAVE TO WATCH COMMERCIALS...) ASKS THIS FOR ITS FINAL:
CAT: MEDICAL DISCOVERIES
ANSWER: NICOLAS PAULESCU ISOLATED A SUBSTANCE HE CALLED PANCREIN, NOW KNOWN AS THIS... (HINT... ITS USED BY DIABETICS)
I KID YOU NOT.
NO REALLY I BET THE TITLE MEANS NOTHING TO YOU AND ALL YOU WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT TIME I WAS PUTTING ICE INTO MY GLASS... LEMME TELL YA... ITS A WINNING HAND.
NOW ITS 7:27P AND THE MOMENT HAS PASSED BUT I HAVE TO REWIND MY DAY A BIT FOR YA ALLLLL THE WAY BACK TO 12:00:01AM TODAY, 2/7/12. AND YET JUST NOW IT HIT ME THAT 7:27 IS AN EVEN BETTER HAND, BUT I KEEP MY POKER FACE SO YOU CAN'T READ MY, CAN'T READ MY...
I AM ASLEEP JUST FINE LAST NIGHT WITH THE RIGHT COMBO OF MUSCLE RELAXERS, LUNESTA, AND BENADRYL... MY ALARM GOES OFF AT MIDNIGHT. IT BEEPS ONCE BUT BOTHERS ME ENOUGH TO AT LEAST GET UP AND DRAIN MY BLADDER. I QUICKLY FELL BACK ASLEEP.
WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING FROM A MEOW ABOUT 2 MINUTES BEFORE THE 5:55 ALARM GOES OFF (HOW DOES HE KNOW?) I CHECKED MY IPOD. IT WAS A REMINDER TO CHECK MY CALENDAR AND IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED TODAY WAS FEBRUARY 7TH, THE 5TH ANNIVERSARY OF MY UNCLE JOE MURPHY'S DEATH. A ROUGH ONE TO THINK ABOUT, AS WE ALL LOVED JOE. AND HE WAS TAKEN FROM US A LITTLE TOO SOON. DIABETES HAS CLAIMED HIM AND PATRICE O'NEAL LATE LAST YEAR, SO MY THOUGHTS OF LOW BLOOD SUGAR PISSES ME OFF.
I SHOT AN EMAIL OF REMBRANCE TO RERE, KIWI, AND SEAN AND THEY RESPONDED WITH GREAT THANKS AND SWEETNESS. I RECALLED THAT 2-7 ISN'T THE FUNNEST HAND IN POKER, IN FACT ITS THE WORST, BUT SOMETIMES EVEN THE 2-7 IS GOOD ENOUGH TO BEAT ACES...
WHEN I RETURNED HOME FROM WORK, I TURNED ON THE TV. FLIPPIN THRU THE GUIDE, I SAW E:60 WAS ON ESPN. LIKING RACHEL NICHOLS, I HIT THE RECORD BUTTON NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS ON AT ALL, AND IN FACT IT WAS A BEST OF EPISODE SO I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT... I WENT OUT TO GRAB SOME PEPSI TO FULFILL A RITE AID COUPON DEAL AND ENDED UP GETTING THEM FOR FREE. I GOT HOME AND HIT PLAY... I GET SOME ICE IN MY GLASS, IT'S 7:22.
I HIT PLAY.
THEY ARE SHOWING HIGHLIGHTS OF DAN MARINO AND MONTANA, FLASHES OF 3 FINGERS WITH SUPER BOWL RINGS ON THE FINGERS. KYLE BRADY, TONY DORSETT, RICKY WATTERS... GREGG MACE IS ANNOUNCING... JON RITCHIE, JIM KELLY, KERRY COLLINS, BIG BEN... TICKETS TO HERSHEY FLASH ON THE SCREEN...
THATS RIGHT
ITS THE PROFILE OF THE BIG 33 FROM E:60... WHY IS THIS SIGNIFICANT ON A DAY LIKE TODAY WHEN ALL WE REMEMBER IS LOSING A DAD, UNCLE, BROTHER, AND FRIEND? ESPN MUST HAVE KNOWN OUR FAMILY WAS IN A FUNK.
JOE AND RERE'S DAUGHTER, MAGDALENA, WAS PART OF THEIR BUDDY PROGRAM WHEN THIS ORIGINALLY AIRED AND THEY NOT JUST SHOWED HER ON THE BACKGROUND, THEY SHOWED HER FACE AND FOCUSED ON HER SITTING ACROSS FROM THE OHIO QB... MILK MUSTACHE AND PIG TAILS AND THAT BEAUTIFUL SMILE THAT IS ALL HER OWN. "LINA" AS WE CALL HER, WAS IN HER GLORY IF EVEN FOR A SPLIT SECOND, BUT IT WAS AS IF ESPN WANTED ME TO REMEMBER JOE WITH HAPPY THOUGHTS RATHER THAN MISSING HIM.
HERE, TAKE A GANDER... SHE'S AT 3:32: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTw-ELqlQc8
WHY IS 7:22 AND 7:27 SIGNIFICANT?
BECAUSE WHEN GETTING THAT ON THE FLOP OF A TEXAS HOLD'EM HAND OF POKER TURNS A ROUGH HAND OF 2-7 INTO AN AWESOME HAND OF A FULL HOUSE, BEATING A PAIR OF BULLETS (ACES) ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
I LOVE YA JOE AND WILL MISS YOU UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, HOPEFULLY AT THE TAIL END OF MY LIFETIME. AND AT THAT TIME I HOPE I AM HOLDING A BAD HAND, 'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FLOP WILL BRING.
III
PS... QUICK EDIT AT 9:45PM... AS IF THINGS COULDN'T BE A REMINDER BEYOND MY IPOD ALARM, JEOPARDY TODAY (I LET THE DVR BUILD SO I DONT HAVE TO WATCH COMMERCIALS...) ASKS THIS FOR ITS FINAL:
CAT: MEDICAL DISCOVERIES
ANSWER: NICOLAS PAULESCU ISOLATED A SUBSTANCE HE CALLED PANCREIN, NOW KNOWN AS THIS... (HINT... ITS USED BY DIABETICS)
I KID YOU NOT.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
THE CINEMA
I DON'T GO TO THE MOVIES MUCH. I HATE PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY ONES I DON'T KNOW. I FIND PEOPLE TO BE REPUGNANT, SMELLY AND CREEPY. DON'T BELIEVE ME? CHECK THE NEWS.
SO HERE AND THERE I WATCH A MOVIE AT HOME AND THIS PAST WEEKEND I SAW A PAIR OF GREAT MOVIES AND I GUESS I STARTED WITH THE WRONG ONE BECAUSE I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGET THE SECOND. SO I GUESS HERE'S MY MOVIE REVIEW OF THE LAST 2 MOVIES I HAVE SEEN...
MONEYBALL... HEARD IT WAS GOOD AND IF JONAH HILL, WHOM IS A GENERALLY SUPERBAD ACTOR, NOW HAS A NOMINATION OF AN OSCAR ITS WORTH SEEING HIS PERFORMANCE WHILST NOT WEARING A RICHARD PRYOR T-SHIRT. BRAD PITT IS WELL, HE'S BRAD PITT. HE'S ACCOMPLISHED, WELL EXPERIENCED, AND THE LADIES THINK HE'S EASY ON THE EYES. HE PLAYS A GUY NAMED BILLY BEANE AND IS I GUESS ONE OF THE SCOUTS FOR A POOR BASEBALL TEAM. POOR MEANING THEY ONLY HAVE SO MUCH MONEY TO PUT INTO THE POOL TO PAY THE PLAYERS THEY CAN GET... ITS A FEEL GOOD MOVIE BUT THE STANDOUT WAS BEANE'S DAUGHTER'S SONG. I FORGET IT RIGHT NOW BUT I COULD TELL IT WAS NOT UNLIKE RUMOR WILLIS' PERFORMANCE ON THE STERN SHOW... RUMOR'S SONG WAS ENTITLED "NOTICE ME" AND THE REFRAIN PLEADED WITH HER PARENTS TO NOTICE HER. HER PARENTS = BRUCE WILLIS AND THE NEWLY RECOGNIZED DRUG ADDICT DEMI MOORE.
THE MOVIE FOLLOWS BEANE'S NEED TO CONSTRUCT A RAGTAG TEAM UNDER THE SALARY CAP AND JONAH HILL'S CHARACTER IS THE GURU BEHIND PICKING THE PLAYERS OUT. SOME KIND OF MATHEMATICAL EQUATION BY AN AUTHOR BILL SOMEONE... TURNS OUT TO WORK OUT WELL AND LONG STORY SHORT WITHOUT GIVING AWAY THE MOVIE, ITS A GOOD MOVIE. I RECOMMEND IT AND HEY, IF YER A DUDE BY YOURSELF, BRING A TISSUE IF YOU GET EMOTIONAL AT GOOD MOVIES. PERSONALLY I AM KNOWN TO BE LIKE MY MOTHER AND CRY AT COKE COMMERCIALS, SO THE HAPPY TEARS CAME AND WENT... ... ...
NEXT CAME A MOVIE CALLED THE MESSENGER. YEPPERS... WE WENT FROM A FEEL GOOD HAPPY LIGHT MOVIE TO A ROUGH SAD AND SERIOUSLY DEEP HORRID DRAMA. IT FOLLOWS 2 SOLDIERS WHOSE TASK IT IS TO TELL THE FAMILIES OF WAR CASUALTIES ON THE BATTLEFIELD. IF YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER DIED IN THE WAR, YOU GOT A KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR BY ONE OF THESE TYPE OF GUYS AND MAN, DID THIS MOVIE HIT A DIFFERENT SPOT THAN MONEYBALL. WOODY HARRELSON PLAYS THE VETERAN OF DOING THIS TYPE OF WORK SHOWING THE ROPES TO THE YOUNGER SOLDIER WHO IS A FEW MONTHS AWAY FROM GETTING OUT. EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THAT BEEPER GO OFF IN THE MOVIE WHICH SIGNALS HIS NEED TO BE READY FOR THE NEXT FAMILY, YOU KNOW YOU MAY AS WELL FORGET ABOUT FEELING HAPPY FOR THE NEXT 10 MINUTES. BUT AGAIN WITHOUT GIVING AWAY THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT TAKES AN INTERESTING STORYLINE, ITS TRULY A HEAAAVY MOVIE.
IT MAKES ME THINK ABOUT PEOPLE I KNOW IN MY FAMILY THAT WERE IN THE MILITARY AND HOW IT WOULD BE TO TRY AND REACT KINDLY TO THESE SOLDIERS WITH A DIFFICULT JOB ANYWAY... ONE OF THE SCENES OF THE MOVIE WAS FAIRLY POWERFUL I WILL HAVE TO MEMORABLY TELL YOU ABOUT NOW. THE MOVIE IS FROM 2009 SO I DON'T THINK I AM GIVING ANYTHING AWAY... STEVE BUSCHEMI PLAYS A FATHER WHO LOST HIS SON IN THE WAR AND HE TREATS THE TWO SOLDIERS PRETTY BADLY, DOWN TO SCREAMING AND SPITTING THE TWO MEN IN THE FACE UPON HEARING THE NEWS. LATER IN THE MOVIE HE RETURNS TO THE SOLDIERS' HOMES TO APOLOGIZE FOR HIS ACTIONS AND ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS. THE YOUNGER SOLDIER LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE AND SAYS "SIR, THERE'S NOTHING TO FORGIVE..." ACKNOWLEDGING WITH AN OUTSTRETCHED HAND THAT NOONE KNOWS HOW THEY'D REACT TO HEARING THEY JUST LOST THEIR SON OR DAUGHTER.
ALL IN ALL GREAT FLICKS, I RECOMMEND BOTH, JUST WATCH THE MESSENGER FIRST. BEST TO FEEL SHITTY FOR 2 HOURS THEN FEEL GOOD WITH MONEYBALL FOR 2 MORE... THE OTHER WAY AROUND MAY MAKE YOU CRY IN YOUR BED TALKING YOURSELF OUT OF DIRE PERSONAL INJURY FOR AN HOUR BEFORE FALLING ASLEEP.
NOT THAT I KNOW ANYONE THAT WOULD DO THAT.
III
SO HERE AND THERE I WATCH A MOVIE AT HOME AND THIS PAST WEEKEND I SAW A PAIR OF GREAT MOVIES AND I GUESS I STARTED WITH THE WRONG ONE BECAUSE I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGET THE SECOND. SO I GUESS HERE'S MY MOVIE REVIEW OF THE LAST 2 MOVIES I HAVE SEEN...
MONEYBALL... HEARD IT WAS GOOD AND IF JONAH HILL, WHOM IS A GENERALLY SUPERBAD ACTOR, NOW HAS A NOMINATION OF AN OSCAR ITS WORTH SEEING HIS PERFORMANCE WHILST NOT WEARING A RICHARD PRYOR T-SHIRT. BRAD PITT IS WELL, HE'S BRAD PITT. HE'S ACCOMPLISHED, WELL EXPERIENCED, AND THE LADIES THINK HE'S EASY ON THE EYES. HE PLAYS A GUY NAMED BILLY BEANE AND IS I GUESS ONE OF THE SCOUTS FOR A POOR BASEBALL TEAM. POOR MEANING THEY ONLY HAVE SO MUCH MONEY TO PUT INTO THE POOL TO PAY THE PLAYERS THEY CAN GET... ITS A FEEL GOOD MOVIE BUT THE STANDOUT WAS BEANE'S DAUGHTER'S SONG. I FORGET IT RIGHT NOW BUT I COULD TELL IT WAS NOT UNLIKE RUMOR WILLIS' PERFORMANCE ON THE STERN SHOW... RUMOR'S SONG WAS ENTITLED "NOTICE ME" AND THE REFRAIN PLEADED WITH HER PARENTS TO NOTICE HER. HER PARENTS = BRUCE WILLIS AND THE NEWLY RECOGNIZED DRUG ADDICT DEMI MOORE.
THE MOVIE FOLLOWS BEANE'S NEED TO CONSTRUCT A RAGTAG TEAM UNDER THE SALARY CAP AND JONAH HILL'S CHARACTER IS THE GURU BEHIND PICKING THE PLAYERS OUT. SOME KIND OF MATHEMATICAL EQUATION BY AN AUTHOR BILL SOMEONE... TURNS OUT TO WORK OUT WELL AND LONG STORY SHORT WITHOUT GIVING AWAY THE MOVIE, ITS A GOOD MOVIE. I RECOMMEND IT AND HEY, IF YER A DUDE BY YOURSELF, BRING A TISSUE IF YOU GET EMOTIONAL AT GOOD MOVIES. PERSONALLY I AM KNOWN TO BE LIKE MY MOTHER AND CRY AT COKE COMMERCIALS, SO THE HAPPY TEARS CAME AND WENT... ... ...
NEXT CAME A MOVIE CALLED THE MESSENGER. YEPPERS... WE WENT FROM A FEEL GOOD HAPPY LIGHT MOVIE TO A ROUGH SAD AND SERIOUSLY DEEP HORRID DRAMA. IT FOLLOWS 2 SOLDIERS WHOSE TASK IT IS TO TELL THE FAMILIES OF WAR CASUALTIES ON THE BATTLEFIELD. IF YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER DIED IN THE WAR, YOU GOT A KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR BY ONE OF THESE TYPE OF GUYS AND MAN, DID THIS MOVIE HIT A DIFFERENT SPOT THAN MONEYBALL. WOODY HARRELSON PLAYS THE VETERAN OF DOING THIS TYPE OF WORK SHOWING THE ROPES TO THE YOUNGER SOLDIER WHO IS A FEW MONTHS AWAY FROM GETTING OUT. EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THAT BEEPER GO OFF IN THE MOVIE WHICH SIGNALS HIS NEED TO BE READY FOR THE NEXT FAMILY, YOU KNOW YOU MAY AS WELL FORGET ABOUT FEELING HAPPY FOR THE NEXT 10 MINUTES. BUT AGAIN WITHOUT GIVING AWAY THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT TAKES AN INTERESTING STORYLINE, ITS TRULY A HEAAAVY MOVIE.
IT MAKES ME THINK ABOUT PEOPLE I KNOW IN MY FAMILY THAT WERE IN THE MILITARY AND HOW IT WOULD BE TO TRY AND REACT KINDLY TO THESE SOLDIERS WITH A DIFFICULT JOB ANYWAY... ONE OF THE SCENES OF THE MOVIE WAS FAIRLY POWERFUL I WILL HAVE TO MEMORABLY TELL YOU ABOUT NOW. THE MOVIE IS FROM 2009 SO I DON'T THINK I AM GIVING ANYTHING AWAY... STEVE BUSCHEMI PLAYS A FATHER WHO LOST HIS SON IN THE WAR AND HE TREATS THE TWO SOLDIERS PRETTY BADLY, DOWN TO SCREAMING AND SPITTING THE TWO MEN IN THE FACE UPON HEARING THE NEWS. LATER IN THE MOVIE HE RETURNS TO THE SOLDIERS' HOMES TO APOLOGIZE FOR HIS ACTIONS AND ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS. THE YOUNGER SOLDIER LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE AND SAYS "SIR, THERE'S NOTHING TO FORGIVE..." ACKNOWLEDGING WITH AN OUTSTRETCHED HAND THAT NOONE KNOWS HOW THEY'D REACT TO HEARING THEY JUST LOST THEIR SON OR DAUGHTER.
ALL IN ALL GREAT FLICKS, I RECOMMEND BOTH, JUST WATCH THE MESSENGER FIRST. BEST TO FEEL SHITTY FOR 2 HOURS THEN FEEL GOOD WITH MONEYBALL FOR 2 MORE... THE OTHER WAY AROUND MAY MAKE YOU CRY IN YOUR BED TALKING YOURSELF OUT OF DIRE PERSONAL INJURY FOR AN HOUR BEFORE FALLING ASLEEP.
NOT THAT I KNOW ANYONE THAT WOULD DO THAT.
III
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