the only other thing on this earth that thinks about dying as much as i do would probably be a funeral home director or coroner. yes its their job, but its also something that few people actually look forward to. the most disappointed i have ever been in my life is at the doctor's office when he said it WASN'T cancer. i don't have a gun nor do i have the balls to fall to my fate from the harvey taylor bridge... i write DNR on all of my forms whenever i go under at the hospital just in case they give me an extra CC of the michael jackson miracle drug to fall asleep with. yet, here i am... so for the most part i have to ride this thing called life out as sinfully slow as it seems to be taking.
i have it figured out that if i were to commit suicide i'd probably do it with a shotgun in the bathroom. basically if you wanna swallow lead you wanna go out in style. and why not give your blood a little trip to the tile wall so when it falls to the ground smeared over the tile it just gives a beautiful representation of what you were (even jackson pollack couldn't recreate what would be on the walls...)... and if you leave the bathtub stopper out of the drain the mess isn't so bad for that poor bastard who has to clean up after you. a lotta bleach and a spray nozzle makes for an easy cleanup after a gruesome scene.
"dammit drew you always miss the white matter!"
yet what's next? i was trying to sleep over the weekend and i thought about where my karma would end up... what happens to your karma when its over?
i think that if we are the ultimate on this earth then whatever you did to damage it is what you become after its all over. so if you shit on the earth without care or abandon, you become whatever you damaged to show you how you impacted it...
tree loggers become saplings next in line
crabbers become crab
slaughterhouses become dung beetles... not even the cows, but the things that dispose of its waste.
if you ever ask people what they'd like to come back as later after this trip is done they'll say some apex predator like a great white shark or a lion or a hawk or eagle. nobody says a blade of grass. nobody says moss that grow on the tree trunks... or a dead tree grub or pond scum... a termite. but if you think of it for a few seconds, as many things on this earth that dies and is born on a daily basis, every bacteria your lysol kills has to come back as something else... and not that 1% of bacteria that the lysol doesn't kill either...
so if this is your destiny and in fact you won't go to some place in the clouds with harps and gold and 72 virgins (whom need a ton of experience to be any good, mind you... i know from a very few experiences that i am no good at it either) don't you think you'd think twice when treating the earth so badly?
from my own thought and what i have seen on the tele, i'd say that ed begley, jr. may just be the only person with a well-known name whom has nothing to worry about.
III
ps... what will i probably come back as? what i am now, but the literal form: an asshole douche.
but to be literal, that "shark or eagle" type of thought... i'd like to come back as a cannabis plant. its the only thing in this world that makes me stop thinking about dying if even for a few hours and allows me to enjoy life and all its wonders. educate yourself, legalize, and inhale.
"Everything in life is a little bit more manageable with a little "f*ck it" in your system..." -- paraphrased concept of katt williams.
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