sitting here watching the DVR... sheng wang was on comedy central and his rendition of waving at an automated paper towel machine reminded me of a few things... one... the new air dryers at aroogas they have now are like jet engines blowing air onto your hands at mach 3, saying goodbye to any water and scabs you may have from, say, playing with your pussy... mine bites.
another thing he talked about was number two-ing in a toilet with no water in it... his punchline was "sorry, i was dropping off the kids at the skatepark."
as i do with most comics i think about why that is funny in my own life... what i thought about and never wrote/told you about was the day of a poker tournament i went to with my friend mike on the west shore. it was held at a seriously smokey establishment, (doubled up on allergy meds) so fake-gambling to wipe away your play chip dreams is welcomed in this dreary, blue hued environment. i haven't gone back there since... for two reasons. one the smoke... and two...
it was the day of the pivotal world cup match with the vuvuzelas blaring and the USA were playing Ghana to move on to the next round. now the US population in full could care less about futbol unless their team is in it, check your local professional soccer club fans' attendance and you'll probably find its the same three guys every game. but this is the world cup. landon donovan looked to be the hero of the team and move them forward, but in fact Ghana pulled out the win 2-1.
we were dealt a few hands and i dunno if it was the smoke or the anticipation of the aforementioned game, but in just about a half hour i was out. so i had to wait for my friend mike to finish his game so we could leave.
now the subject becomes apparent...
my stomach is not the strongest in the world. nexium rules my diet and daily life, and i have had a few endoscopies to check myself out from time to time. (THANKS insurance company policies for going to school for 20 years to become a gastrointestinal surgeon so you could know better than my DOCTOR to prescribe medication for me.)
i sat in a taller seat at the back bar and while keeping my eye on poker, i watched the futbol game. then it happened. the rumbler. sounding like the cross between a drumroll and the horn starting the kentucky derby, my abdomen decided NOW was the time to check out the establishment's rest areas.
i like the idea of a rest room. i take more rests than i am active. but there was no resting to be had in the restroom this afternoon. my belly swished and gurgled with each step walking towards the restroom and when i walked in i wished i had been in a highway gas station restroom. i mean this place was designed nicely with woodwork and such, but i thought the moss on the ground could use a mow.
in a new/old restroom with your ass holding tight for dear life (think jeff daniels in 'dumb and dumber', you know the scene...) you have to scan the room and make sure you're not only in a men's room (urinal, check!) but also who may be occupying the room with you. luckily i was alone, sort of. the mossy floor were like friends to me knowing i was in a SITUATION they directed me via the already trampled path to the single stall.
i can't tell you what i ate the night before but the last time this bathroom was inspected, the media knew monica's name before bill clinton did. i crack the door and realize the only bathroom in this time of utter need had been backed up and toilet papered in to the point that hey, why not pile on right? at this point it all fits in one shovel scoop right?
not to get gory on the matter, but if the bowl of the toilet was say, a mcdonald's sundae, i added the caramel and nuts to the top of the mountain of chocolate ice cream with the TP as a cherry on top.
i thanked the moss for its help, washed my hands (with the BAR of soap, as if that did anything at all) and walked out nonchalantly like nothing happened... i knew the second mike's last chip went in to the pot i was hoping for him to lose... then to leave faster i'd carry him out in his chair if i had to as if he was the groom at a jewish wedding... it was that serious.
the problem with that is this... mike's not a bad poker player.
so his game went on and on and on and on and on and on and finally i noticed one of the poker players went in to use the bathroom. i can keep a poker face when i am playing the game, but out of it i am like a four year old who just heard someone fart.. .i can't help myself. inside i am 12 anyway, so to hold a straight face when this guy came out of there was possibly the hardest, most hilarious thing i had to do in my life.
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" he screamed... "THE TOILET IS BACKED UP AND SOMEONE TOOK A DEUCE ON TOP OF THE BACKUP AND IT'S SO BAD I HAD TO THROW UP IN THE SINK!"
oh crap. literally... now everyone knows there's a problem with the bathroom that needed inspected since the 1990s... mike had better start losing fast...
did you ever laugh so hard that you couldn't stop yet not move your face and act normal? ITS IMPOSSIBLE. i dare you to try it while someone is tickling you to laugh your ass off yet not move a muscle. no smiling... NO SMILING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
out loud i said loud enough for others to hear me... "damn, who would do that??? that's disgusting man... mike, wrap it up, we oughtta go if there's people who would do that here..." that either said to everyone else 'whoever smelt it dealt it' or 'that guy couldn't have done it.' i was hoping for the latter.
back to futbol, punching myself in the face so as not to smile in the least, yet working now on holding on to my coccyx from meeting my now fallen ass on the ground from silently laughing, the hope continued. a few crappy kicks later, the match came to a close and disappointed as i was, i was still in that darned blue hued room...
mike had made it to the final 3, one of his best finishes ever, and he finally said "all-in" with a king-ten of diamonds... luckily he missed his flush so i gathered my ass and coccyx and we were out of there... it wasn't 'till i was on trindle road, far away from the ears of the other patrons of the bar, till i told mike of my poor manners... "that was YOU???"
but i haven't openly laughed my ass off so hard since...
III
