66

utter silence.

deafening silence.

spend a minute with yourself and nothing else. what do you end up hearing?

for me i have my air purifier running, my ears ringing, and dishwasher doing a job i loved doing at wendy's, but that was 20 yrs ago. apparently i got old.

saturdays are for the nationwide races and the gervais series on science channel called an idiot abroad.

last weekend karl pilkington was on route 66 and just roadtripping the entire road. he made stops here and there as we all would. and ricky and steve have a few hijinks which makes the series what it is. but karl is an odd fellow. well, the series is called an idiot abroad after all... he has a funny way of looking at things, unlike most, yet what he has to say generally makes sense in the grand scheme of things. it makes you realize karl is no idiot.

but as he drove on route 66 he made a fun observation about the who's "pinball wizard" song. he said in his english drawl... "well, he's just standing there hitting buttons. he's deaf dumb and blind. he has no idea what he is doing... he is just standing there and hitting buttons and he's amazing yes, but still he's just standing there in the dark silence of life hitting buttons..."

its amazing where a minute of silence or a few miles on route 66 will allow your mind to wander.


but try it now. put the blog down for a minute. close your eyes. just sit there in silence and see what happens.


didja do it? where'd your mind take you? mine kinda went where it always goes. i think about dying. i think about how great life will be when its all over. to be just finished with everything you ever did and not have to worry about anything in the long run. to just say goodnight and all the weight of everything lifts off your shoulders and your heart just stops. the last lub you'll ever feel, the last dub you'll ever hear. and there's peace.


you know how you say to people "boy, the undertaker and makeup person did a great job on the body and they just looked at peace." well, in my mind when you go, that's all thats left. no work, no chores no gas prices no president bullshit, just peace.


its kinda how you feel when you take a nice hit of unseasonably good marijuana. to feel comfortably numb. i'm sure the boys in floyd were talking about other drugs, but to me marijuana is the ultimate in comfortably numbness. opiates don't do it for me and i think my mind is not good for the whole psychadelic experience, peyote, etc. but a good toke? forgettit. its in those moments, albeit few and far between, that i don't think about dying.


i can't wait for it. its now been a few blog entries about dying, maybe the next one will be more about the same old shit to keep you entertained and wanting more. i can do that too, but not hurting anyone nor yourself anymore is such a thrill to me that i can't wait to die. if they brought back a suicide machine such as dr kevorkian (really? can ya spell it worse than that?) had made crudely representing what they use in prisons across the country, i'd save as long as it took to get one and the second it arrived in the mail it'd be over for me.


in full dead silence, i'd clean my supple wrist with alcohol (can't get an infection minutes before falling asleep this way), pierce the vein with the needle and tape it down, and administer the device per instructions that kevorkian would have included in the package.


once you hit that button, whether you're deaf dumb or blind, the rush of finality would come over you and it would just slowly go through the tubes and inside your body... flowing through the veins to the heart then through to your lungs, back to the heart and up in to the brain where you'd just about pass out. and in that last second of passing out, all will be right with the world. it would have to be.


and then you're done.. at peace. and all i could hope for is a good makeup artist. although with this face, i'd request not just a closed casket, but cremation. i'd like to be cremated because that's the ultimate goodnight to your vessel you own. i don't wanna come back as myself ever again. this life is hard and i hate it. once cremated i wanna be thrown down a sewer grate. passed through the waterway system, caught in a filter, and end up in the landfill where i could be forgotten about forever.


its the ultimate tilt to such a powerful game of life that a reset wouldn't ever do.