the ufc decided to have a fight this past weekend and instead of ordering it at home i decided to go out to the bar and watch it... its not a bad thing. you go to the bar, pay a $10 cover, and they give you a $10 card towards food, drinks, etc... in general it evens out, especially because you end up drinking more than $10 during the fights anyway, but for a guy who drinks water all the time (wagonnite since 2/28/09) it means i have to eat something while i am there. their food isn't the greatest, so i had nachos...
(side note... nachos and constipation go hand in hand... take a stool softener with your nachos if you decide to get 2 appetizers full and eat all of them at once... i bet i had 10 tall fat kids diving into the pool last night... i almost wanted an episiotomy.)
looking around the room i found some legs i recognized. it had been a while, but these were thighs i am sure i recognized. in high school i looked down on the floor so much that i could tell you who was walking ahead of me without even seeing her face. these legs were so recognizable i wondered how i knew them so well... once i saw the wall-smacked face though i knew who i was looking at. whats odd though is i don't remember being in many classes with those thighs, i just remembered them. she was an old classmate in high school, and at that exact moment i regressed into my ninth grade former self.
at work i am the quietest yet most vulgar person you know... if i am on the phone with a buddy of mine anything comes out from old comedy routines to those not heard yet... some, in fact, spark an email or something like this current piece of blog. otherwise some days people say "oh, you're here..." ... ... among friends and in nervous groups of people i do what i can to make a joke or make someone laugh... they aren't all winners, but some hit the mark... i am not real good socially, in general i cornerize myself and peoplewatch... but i can write purdy good, or so they tell me... ... ... in school though i had just about zero confidence in myself and was constantly ridiculed. so i inadvertently memorized the floor tiles and, well anything looking down... so seeing those now varicosed and used thirty some year old legs were a fond yet disappointing memory.
i look nothing like i used to: i have no hair, a beard, i have some weight on myself, and i am with a ton of people. in school i was by myself or with a few people, but not a lively group such as this. yet i felt like i was in high school once again, that guy that felt an inch tall was back and i was nothing but uncomfortable. when the girls walked by me to either use the bathroom or leave i felt those stares at me so they could confirm my identity to joke about it with their friends later. the one girl was a knock kneed whore (imagine that) who noone could imagine how she made it TO high school let alone got through it. well, if you have a lively imagination you could understand how she got an A in some classes...
i just remember the uncomfortability, it was constant when you are the bottom rung of the totem pole in high school... i also remember talking to an old classmate who once apologized for the ridicule a few years after we graduated. he explained his homelife and mentioned that his brother had recently committed suicide. although i admire his brother (because he went thru with it whereas i just dream about it, stopping on a bridge here and there thinking about finishing it all, or where i would pull the trigger of a shotgun barrel in my mouth... naturally in the bathtub so the blood would go down the drain and you could just wipe down the tiles with bleach to clean the blood and brain matter... sorry, its a rarity that i don't think about it... normal for me may be offputting for some.) i couldnt do anything about the past with this classmate. all i could do was let him know i accepted his apology, and would be there for him anytime in the future. what ended up happening was that i realized my home life, as horrible as it was with the constant fighting and all things considered, wasn't all that bad. it had its own way of being brutal, mind you, but i was happy i could be there for him to ridicule, just to get some of that pain out of his system. at the time it wasn't good for me, for my psyche, or for the other kids to not feed from. but for a few minutes out of his life, him ridiculing me made his life not so bad...
once the girls left the bar i told the group i was with that i went to high school with those blondes... they had to wipe the drool from their chins but once i told them a little about them, they were happy to remember the hottest thing about them... the fact that they were gone.
and i was back to feeling 6' tall.
III
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