first of all rejection is a bitch... numero uno. all we ever wanted in life per the billions of people on this earth was food, water, shelter, air, and acceptance by our fellow human beings. every once in a while love creeps its little head in there like it is a vital necessity of life. i have found emotionally it isn't, but physically, thats another issue all together.
individual love is more of a "want" than acceptance.
to be accepted in life is to be loved by everyone. no questions asked. like you and your best friends: you love and accept one another, flaws, assumptions, whatever. he's tall, she's short, he's fat, she's got a face only her mother could love, his one big eye, her third nipple, his two bellybuttons. your friends don't care about all of that. they love you for you. after whiskey you fall asleep. after a half a case of beer and a few shots of vodka i scream racial slurs. after an operation once i got mad at a doc who didn't live up to his end of the bargain and decided to throw a few Jew curveballs to him. (only to find out that i was a few generations away from the holocaust myself makes hindsight a [PMSing woman minus the chocolate].) but my buddy john who was there to witness it is still my buddy today. why? he accepted my flaws... and he signed the paper that said he'd drive my woozy-from-the-foot-in-mouth-operationed piehole home.
ive been through some life changing things in my life for no reason and most say i wear my heart on my sleeve. inexperience makes me naive in the love game. so when i asked a long, long, longtime born again friend of mine to think about being more than friends with me in my mid twenties, she said she had a chat with god... a few days later, god said i wouldnt be a good idea to date, have fun with, even marry.
i dont have that strong of a brain chemistry (i wanna say psyche but i am not sure i am spelling it right) so i don't feel that was that good of a thing for me to say, giving it the old community college try... but this girl, i thought, was making me want to be a better man - to steal a nicholson line from 'as good as it gets' - and looking back she was good for me at the time. but man i am happy her god was, in fact, looking out for me.
currently i am in a horrible, but paying, job. i live in a nice now 2 bedroom place, one extra room for Gibby my uncle who stays with me when he comes to town, and have a nice functioning ride. things in the single life, albeit lonely (hello blogger.com) couldn't be better. i have what i want minus my own property and a full understanding of my job, but all in all its ok. dying wouldn't be a bad idea either, i just dont have the balls to do it. hopefully cancer or something easier can help with that soon.
last i heard from her was a few years ago. her husband didnt like hearing or reading the email i had sent to her seriously just checking in after she sent a sympathy card after my grandfather died. turns out they were on the outs, she was living with his mother and him with their child. and since their divorce he is in the army and she had been excited about living in a mobile home trailer on her parent's property. very nice for her and her son, but i feel i am better than that.
thanks god.
III
ps... as this one bumper sticker a friend of mine found one day at a festival reads "i was born ok the first time".
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